03.12.2018.

Im scared. Scared of losing something thats fully mine now. Hes scared of losing me too. But what if that fades away? Id hate it to fade away. Hes so in love with me. Hed do anything for me. And honestly….I think I feel the same. But we just met each other, wtf? Excuse me what the fuck? Hah hes so perfect. I wish nothing from him but to always stay this way. His every move is perfect. His reaction to everything is exactly what i want. His touch fucks me up big time but we wont tell him that 😂😂 he still thinks im immune to it hahaha hell no boi. We both just melt over each other, were so cute and annoying its fucking sickenning ahhaha. I wish he was taller. But am i gonna really bitch about that shit when everything he does is perfect? Hell no hahahah. Whats wrong with us? Ive never been liking anybody so fast..i cant say its love. Its not. But i really truly madly deeply care about him. Ko bi rekao da ce od jednostavnog cao i pogleda izaci ova ludost. Ko bi rekao da ce sve ici tako spontano ali tako planirano. This is insane. Kowalski, analysis. I cant stop talking about him. Hes just sooo…..hot, cute, cutest smile ever, eyes to die for, but i still like seeing him cry ahahha. Its honestly because i love his stenght when he holds me, when he takes control even when i push him away, but i also like him being fragile and taking refuge in me. I hope Ill be there when he needs me the most. I hope he wont push me away. I hope I wont let him push me away. I hope he stays in my hug until he falls asleep crying. No, this isnt one of my sick fantasies hahaha. I just want to be his rock. I know hell need it and i know ill be able to hold my emotions enough to look like i know what to do and how to “get over it”. In fact i dont know how to get over it. You cant. You can just shove the pain in the back pocket of your heart. You wont see it and after some time youll get used to it bugging you when you sit. That is how you get over it. You just learn to live with it. See, i care so much about this guy…yet i make him cry. Day in and day out, he cries. But hes so beautiful when he cries. It hurts my heart greatly, but his eyes show so much pain and caring that its like a drug to me. And i hope that one day i can return the favour. Hope one day hell see i care. A lot. Too much. For fucks sake i just met him. I shouldnt be giving a fuck..we shouldnt be giving a fuck. Wtf? Why do we act like we have known each other for months…years? Anyways besides his green eyes and cute smile, i like every line on his face. And thats a problem ladies and gents. And i like his whole body…k to kill romance, his dick is…hell yeah hahaha. But he drives me nuts. On mene fizicki, ja njega psihicki hahahahah. He doesnt even go to gym or has muscles or anything but hes so perfect. Ah whats wrong with me? Hahaha. So we went out.. i legit didnt plan this whole im a hooker thing. It literally came to me in the moment it came out of my mouth hahhaa. And he was of course hurt by my lie. And somehow everything we did that day made perfect story to go with me claiming i sleep with guys for money hahhaa. This sounds much worse than it is haha. See i did it so well and was lying so god damn well, he believed it. And my acting was so crazy, like i went into tram through one door and ran out the other door. And i knew he saw me. He didnt habe enough time to leave and was bummed cuz i didnt hug him. How could i just tell him all this bullshit, hurt his feelings, hug him like nothing happened and leave? Hell no. If i didnt manage to run out of that tram in time id be pissed. So he saw me running out and decided to follow me. And he stalked me haha legit sneaked behind me the whole way. Hid behid cars to see where im going. Were both fucking crazy. So i didnt know what to do so i sat after some time. I couldnt see him cuz he hid but i knew he was behind me somewhere. And i didnt know what to do honestly. I could have knocked on somebodys foor but thats just not me ahaha thats too much…as if i know when to stop 😂. So i started going back and there he was. A guy in a black coat, green eyes looking at me in the dark sad and angry…confused? At that moment i thought to myself..what am i doing to him? How far am i ready to go and how much can he take? And im not saying how much can he take before he starts hating me and leaves. Im saying how much pain can his heart take? Am i killing him? No for real, im messed up. And him standing against the truck, his reality being: girl he loves sells her body for money because she cant survive…it hit me then that hes in actual pain. And i started to go back down but i had to return. And then i didnt know what to do cuz i was in pain too because i saw how angry he was. So i turned around and left. But i knew he wont go home. I knew he will either stand there or come after me. So i moved where he cant see me and waited for him. Jebem nas glupe u pm minus 5 vani a mi lomimo jedno drugom srca..thats ma bad haha. What a great guy he is. I just dont want this to end 😭😭. So he comes back. Then instead if me telling him yeah i was just lying, im an idiot, im sorry…i said well i went back in hopes youd leave cuz my client is waiting for me. Really zerina? Nisi cura fina. Da fuk? He was then 100% sure i wasnt fucking with him because i saw his anger. He wasnt perhaps pissed at me. He was pissed at the “circumstances”. He found a girl he really liked and now she turned out to be a prostitute. Yo his reality was so fucked up and i didnt know how to fix it without him hating me. And i couldnt afford that. So instead of ending this like any normal person would ( normal person wouldnt even start) i went further into it. It got to that point where i had to remind myself this is all illusion or id even start believing it. And honestly it got very close to that in next few minutes. So hes like ill buy you. Ill be your client every night and well just sit and talk. That was such a pain to hear. I brushed it off by laughing and saying youll go broke in 2 weeks but i was in so much pain. Because i knew hes crazy enough to do that. So i declined. But it was much harder than that. I didnt know how to fix the situation yet. Why am i saying yet? At no point this night did i know how to fix this. There was no going back. Hed give his paycheck on me…to keep me from that kind of life. See even i sound like i believed it fuck hahaha. But hes soo good. I almost cried when he said that but i was thinking so hard how to fix this that i couldnt even cry. He started crying and i hugged him. I dont want to keep hurting him. I really dont. But i do want to feel these same feelings. And thats hard without pain. Happy hugs and sad hugs arent the same. Happy hugs dont make your body tingle and feel pain but also happiness. Its one of a kind experience. I would know, i fucking make em happen for a reason. Somewhere between me walking away from him and him crying was him walking away from me, very angry. Idk im losing the grip on what happened when. And then after cryig and hugging i told him not to cry, its the way life is n shit and he stopped amd got serious and very mature and distant with cool head. It surprised me. But yeah in thay situation…fuck novody would handle it better than him. Not even me. Id be in pieces..well im sure he was but he didnt show it…after crying hahaha. So we walked. Normal talk and me worrying, him making toughest decisions of life probably. To let me suffer making money or risk his own life just to spend few days with me before hes broke…cuz im a prostitute ya know ahha expensive one ahahha. And hes so amazing, so confusing, so honest in his feelings. He still wanted to be with me after all i told him. I have to admit i couldnt do the same. I dont think i even understand in how much pain im still. My heart still hurts. My brain cant shut off. I still smell like him. And i miss his hugs already wtf. I wont see him whole week. It sucks. Maybe ill sneak to his work to surprise him. Yeah thats a good idea. Hed like that. Id like that hahah. Anyways he accepts i need to do my “job” and he says bye and everything like its a normal job. And he wasnt crying. He wasnt angry. He sure wasnt happy but he came to terms with what was his new reality. And i turned to leave but i couldnt. Exactly because i saw he truly accepted it. And he would habe left home for the first time that night. And i knew hed cry his heat out and i just couldnt let that happen. Its too much. Story was too difficult. Too believable, too sad. So i returned and confused him. I didnt know how to break it to him. I thought hed be really really mad and leave. Fucking hell i cant afford this guy to leave, hes too good and i care about him. So i just said it hey this was all a joke. Last 2 hours are a lie. So many emotions went over his face amd he didnt even realise it. Confusion, anger, relief, …love. And even happiness. He was happy he chose me yet i cant understand why. All i did was make him suffer and push him away. Lie. I lied. It was part of my game but i lied. It was too much. He started crying again. So many emotions just rushed through him at the same time. He said hes lucky. He started singing. Well then i knew hes gone crazy hahah. But he was happy for some reason. But i was happy too. I was happy he isnt angry anymore. And i was happy he isnt sad. Irony haha. I was hapoy he was he and i was i and he were next to each other. We give the best hugs. Yeah cuz that shit just goes well together. Then i was like…haahaha okay sad je ovo vise totalno ludilo, do kojih ja mjera znam otici to budale na everestu ne odu hahaha. So i tell him i actually am a prostitute and i really do need to go work. So hes like fine. He starts going home….see but i knew hed come back. I only did these things because i had great faith in him. So we part ways and i go to some dark alley. But hes right behind me. I know it. I feel it. So car was passing by and i moved and looked at him cuz i knew ill see those green crying eyes just looking at me in pain. He teared up. At this point i was telling myself bitch game is over why are you doing this again ffs. I think i just wanted to feel that painful hug one more time. Its different type of hug. You pour all your emotions into it. But his face too tho…isnt so beautiful. Pain love caring…soul. Its like hes painting his soul and his face is canvas. He cried. I wanted to wipe his tears away. To kiss him. But it was too cold and he was such a wreck. I didnt want to add one more thing to confuse him. I need to see him. Tomorrow. I hope i will. My heart is in pain too. All this was happening on minus 5 degrees and we were both shivering and frozen. We were a mess. But we were together so it didnt matter. It was after midnight, it was frozen and i had my prince next to me. Hell we were surrounded by graveyards and still hopefully haha didnt get possesed. Anyways, he dhad to pee so that was fun hahah he peed hahahaa. Why am i entertained by all this? Cant tell ya cuz idk. But i know that i care about him. His pain might be funny for first 5 minutes but then im in pain too. Again, all is well that ends well. We hugged, he kissed me on the cheek, both frozen and in love, we left home. He asked me to be in relationship with him. Now i can say hes my boyfriend. We have knkwn each other for only 18 days. Holy shit ahaha. But we clicked so well. Were already crazy about each other while others dont fall for each other in months. Idk. Maybe this will fade away. Maybe it will all be done very soon. But let me enjoy at least a bit with him. Hes all i need. I know its dumb thing to say but if hell always be caring like today, nit jist crying n shit but actually finding every opportunity to hug me on hold my hand. I hope ill get to meet his parents…maybe next week. And well cuddle and chill 😊 i hope fucker doesnt turn me on cuz thats what hes been doing the whole day today without even realising it ahhaha…deep down im pretty sure he knows it and that it was his goal but idk hahha. I need to go sleep. Or try. I have a bf to surprise tomorrow 😁

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