Black brick in a red wall

Mrzi drogu, ne podnosi cigare, popit ponekad. Malo cudna, vise luda, nije uzor, al makar je zabavna. Zivotinje i priroda, putovanja. Instagram: zexxy_photography

09.04.2019.

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DEAD END

08.04.2019.

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Ive been waiting for this whole damn day. Im extremely tired now so ill just try. *10mins of thinking*...i forgot why i was so excited to write...helppp. ah yes. Monday. Its monday akready so i already fucked uo my plan but im nit surprised. Idk what i want anymore. I mean i know i just want to be sad little angry baby and to be spoiled and taken care of and loved but what i dont knkw is who i expect it from. And thats messed uo, dont want to be giving anybody hopes or put others in bad mood. I legit feel like lying in bed being cuddled like im most orecious thing in thebworld. Ah but cant even lie down next to a male withiut him ruining it. So loneliness it isssss! Ajd i sta fali malo jbg. Ne moze sve biti kako hocemo. *bangs head on the wall* where do i find next sucker to play with? Lol. I see myself longing for chaaange. Im just appearing normal, doing shit i have to do daily but im sooooooooooo exhausted. Just need to put arguing away and have good time. Just need to relax and blow off steam. Dont need anybody reminding me of fights. Want to buy somersby and drink it whike walking. Idk why im craving all these random things. Idk. I just want to relax. Not go to places weve always been. Ah fuck me man i said no crying from monday jeboga ga svak uff. Bs. Dont want to hear stories abiut how parents expect me to ..idk what marry him? Oh please. Hes nit marriage material and probably wont ever be but i also dont have lifetime to find out. We try to forget our genes and that well probabky die young so yeah i habe a time limit here. Well the truth abiut what my mom told me is faaar from what i told him. Well some parts r true like he looks like hes mentally ill which tbh at this point isnt even a joke. She actually told me if he cares hell reach out. I said well he cant hes blicked everywhere. She said if he cares enough hell find a way. Which i mean even online theres plenty of ways but even before cellphones im sure our dads fucked up at least once and had to fix it somehow. Thats not the point. I guess im that bitch now who expects to play with guys so even if he tries...probabky pointless. I mean he did try. I wasnt imoressed but hey at least he tried.*yawn* maybe he just wanted to be nice like i am...idk rly i dont think he ever does something that wouldnt benefit him too. Im writig half asleep rn. Barely eyes ooen. I just want to. Mknday eill be over soon and so will everything with it. I truly do believe if any damn miracle can happen it will be today. If not...wellits not meant to be. Lol truth is i dont expect anything. ...no way anybody woukd smell somersby at school right? Lol. Dodje mi nesto da uzmem somersby i odem na aleju ambasadora. Idk why polen ce me ubiti ali samo hocu nesto neki mir. Nmg vise da se sve vrti oko istog sranja. Nmg. Necu. If things i cant tolerate now dont change then ill change. Not to adapt and forget abiut probkems but to forget about people. Ehh yeska suza se odlomi kad se sjetih da u sccu nema alkohola u konzumu. In so frustrated now half asleeo. And imxsi tired of lying maaan. I didnt write this for him ti read and i dont think there a lie on this blog at all. I didnt write it so hed know where im going. I wrote it to cheer myself uo and focus on sneakers and not on my brain. And him reading woukd mean...idk what it woukd mean...idk...i idnt want him to csre. Cuz his caring is rly so fake. Somebody was raped send him dick pic. Somebody was in war send him warzone pic. Somebody has any trauma...dont remind him of that trauma. Lol hes lucky im gone. Cuz for me to stay the bed would have to go. Its stuoid but hey if my mom agreed and shes nit jelous ir anything of dads exs...then u kmkw how it is. And she doesnt even liek me. Who does. Eh i odnt even like mysekf now. Uff im getring sleeoy af. I even stopped cryig suroeiiise. Bize pomozi haha nekad se pitam nesam ki janta koja je oukla. I gtg or im gone off to dreamland. Byeee

07.04.2019.

Trouble in paradise

Budi me nocna mora prije 10. San vezan za skoru pricu o mom ocu. Kao budi se on iz kome koja je trajala 15god, vidi mene i kaze kako ti je cudan glas i grozna kosa. I okrene se iako je nakon operacije i sve ga boli. Hajd sto je san i sto me to zabolilo vise nego ista, nego sto nikad necu znati da li bi on bio ponosan sada na mene ili bi osudjivao cak i moj glas u moju kosu. Moje lude boje i siske. Mozda siske ne...ali ko zna. Ali budim se bez da mi se vise spava iako sam umorna. I kontam kako...kad skontah da je to jer sam navikla da se rano budim dok je bivsi bio u bolnici da mu pravim drustvo. Nisam imala apsolutno nikakve potrebe da rano ustajem osim toga. A nije mi ni bilo mrsko. Veceras planiram s mamom ici da kupim tene. Vidjela sam upravo onakve starke i vansice kakve hocu da imam da bih mogla nositi sve suknje i haljine koje imam....eee jos da je smrsati i da nabijem dupe pa da stoje dobro ko prije 😅 ali jbg ulijenila se pravo. Mozda veceras...vjeruvatno ne jbg mrsko mi. Znas ko te voli voli te kakav jesi pa da si i najgori. Ehh. Nekad zalim neke stvari u zivotu al eto Hamdo je bio prva duga veza i vjerovatno velika ljubav pa nisam bila toliko opustena i non salantna sa njim. Nisam imala samopouzdanja, mama bi me uvijek kritikovala kako mi odjeca stoji, i tad kad sam bila u boljoj formi nego sada. Vremenom je orestala to da radi kad je vidjela da mi je prestalo biti stalo. Kad bi me hamdo zagrlio uvijek sam razmisljala kako sam debela, bila sam potpuno slijepa na njegov izgled i umislila sam sebi da sam ogromna i mislim da je to bilo puno i do toga sto je on bio sav nekakav gadljiv na sve i nez nije mi to razdoblje bilo bas najlakse kad stalno mislis uvuci stomak uradi ovo ono. Sada me nije briga ko sta misli. Bitno mi je kako se ja osjecam a ako se kome ne svidja salo pod rukom nek produzi hahaha. Ahh ive come so far. Prije mi je bilo drama neugodno vidjeti dasu mi noge ko guma i da se tresu i nisam htjela nositi helanke na nesto iznad koljena. Sada...ma gola da hodam nije me briga. Ne svidja ti se ne gledaj i vozdra. I naravno to ne znaci da trebam da se zapustim do 100kg ali treba biti slobodan u svojoj kozi. Treba biti sretan onim sto imas a raditi da dobijes ono sto hoces. Ovo je moj klasicni pep talk nakon raskida. Osvrt na staru i novu mene. Pisem jer iskreno nemam sta da radim dok cekam dorucak. A ovo mi i godi i treba mi razgovor. Konsultovala sam mamu. Jedva sam zadrzala svoje hladno prisebno lice. Rekoh joj za krevet, za njegovog oca koji je ono low af human po mojim mjerama i iskreno sve mu se djetetu vraca sa mnom a i bivsom kako sam cula. Varanje u bilo kojem smislu ce se vratiti kad tad. Anyways ispricam ja to njoj. Oitam kako ljudi predju preko toga da je neko s nekim spavao i kako je ona jer je moj otac u dugim vezama spavao s curama. Kaze ona pa bila sam puno starija. 10god. I ne bi ni tvoj otac mene vjerovatno htio kad je bio mlad. Nisu to oni sposobni da podnesu. Ne moze djecak za igralista biti za curom za braka. Oj jest me ta recenica sjebala. Msm znam ja to sve al ovako kad se slikovito kaze nesto ti dodje u glavu. ...tvoj otac je mene i izabrao jer sam bila fina i postena djevojka za braka. Al vidis...ja ne bih da cekam do 35te. Imal sta malo ranije? Eee najteze je naci svoju drugu polovinu. I vjerujem joj. Nije dovoljno testirati 4 momka da nadjes pravog. Mozda grijesim. Neko ga nadje iz prve. Ko moje sretne drugarice. Nez propistika sam voz sa hamdom ali ooet rekoh imao je mane gdje me je nesvjesno cinio nesretnom oko mog izgleda. Ne uzimam mu za zlo vecina je do mene.

07.04.2019.

I fucked up again.

Dosla kuci i jbg propao mi plan. Pitala me za njega i u pocektu nisam rekla za raskid. Valjda sam se negdje duboko nadala da se nije desio et nez sta je desava...rekla sam joj kako je i pricali smo malo o njemu. Pricala sam ko da je sve uredu. Medjutim kako mrak pade i mene nargila razvali jer sam bas uzivala u njoj i pusila do mile volje i popila ledenu kafu sa karamelom ona moja ljustura se slomi, stvarnost me pogodi i ispricah joj sta se fkt desilo. Ne znam sto sam rekla, ali vjerujem da je to iz zelje da mi neko kaze daj mu sansu...to ti je kad je srce kurva. Ali naravno to se ne desi nego se desi ono sto sam i ocekivala. Rekoh joj za ajdina i za njegovo bjezanje taksijem i za taj jebeni dan kad sam sve saznala i kako mi je nova godina bila sranje i kako je htio da mu saljem slike ma msm sve to stara prica. Prije joj nisam nikad rekla, jer sam znala da ce mi biti brutalno iskrena i nisam htjela da slusam. Htjela sam dati svima drugu sansu. Medjutim koliku mi je lekciju ocitala to nisam mogla ocekivati. I neka je. Volim iskreno vidjeti da mi neko govori sta misli a ne tu neke lazi i ono sto ja zelim da cujem. Rekla mi je da je on totalni manijak da trazi slike uopste cak i on sam od mene nakon 20 dana veze a to za ajdina kaze treba ga u ludnicu. I dijelom sam se sminaja i govorila znam...a dijelom sam se stvarno slagala sa njom. Jer ako ga iko zna to sam ja i ovo sto je ona cula nije ni djelic onoga sto se desilo. Rekoh i za trcanje za tramvajom i za plakanje. I kaze ona meni de sta ti vidis u njemu bgt. Rekoh ma ne znam, nekad je fin...izdera se ona na mene "znas li koliko finih ima?" Rekoh..znam. Ti i Boki samo privlacite psihopate, sad se bojim da te na ulici ne napadne ili ne ubije. E ovo znam da nece. Ne bi mogao sebi oprostiti da mi naudi. Mozda grijesim. Jer me je vec dosta napatio i fizicki i psihicki i emotivno. I istina je, u njegovom zagrljaju se osjecam kao bespomocna lutka, nesigurno. Ali vjerujem...i opet kazem mozda se grdno varam...ali mislim da me nikada ne bi ozbiljno povrijedio...ko zna? Rece ona meni nikad joj momak nije slao gole slike ni ona njemu. Nebitno koliko mu vjeruje i sto su zajedno 5god. Spomenuh ja za slucaj kod psihologa. Za to kako sam je osjecala pod pritiskom da spavam sa njim. Kaze ona meni jebat ih oboje odkud njima pravo da uopste o tome pricaju? On je napacen. ...ja joj onda ispricah za te njegove opise na ig bog seksa i gluposti i kazem valjda je kontao da je kul i dobar ulov i dobar u krevetu kad je imao toliko "cura". To je pod navodnicima jer to nisu bile veze. To je bila uzajamna zelja za seksom i tjt. U vezi si s osobom koju volis i koja voli tebe. Sve ovo ostalo je jebanje. Pardon my french. Kaze ona meni e jest umislio, lahko je lahke povaliti, da je dobar pobalio bi tebe. I kontam ja sad u sebi...mislim mozda je djelimicno u pravu. Da je on dobar ulov u bilo kakvom slucaju i dobar ko covjek...nikad ne znas. Mene kad paze pazim i ja njih ako me kontas. Medjutim za ovog lika nema sanse za to. Nazad sam u mozgu dijeteta tako da izadjem iz toga trebat ce vremena rada truda. Cak i za mene samu. Kaze ona pa i ja bih mogla sa svima spavati al necu da sam lahka djevojka. I sad pocela je prica o bokiju i tako prica ona njegove bivse kakve su budale bile i kaze nemoj me pogresno shvatiti ne nabacujem ti ga...rekoh ja njoj ma znam, taj brod je davno odplovio. I nekad se lose osjecam sto ja njega isfurah prije 5 mjeseci za tu kaficu ili bolje reci neko picence. Ali jednostavno mi izgledom nije dobar tj ne privlaci me. Jeste raja i cula sam veceras sta je sve curama radio kad su tuzne, sto bi se reklo skidao zvijezde s neba. I zbog toga mi bi zao, vise sam i zaboravila kakav je to osjecaj da se neko brine o tebi a ne ti o njemu. Kaze jednom nesto cura bila pravo tuzna i pod stresom i on za 100km joj kupio flowers in a box ogroman buket cvijeca da joj donesu na vrata. Nije ni napisao od koga je da bi je iznenadio. I tek kad je ona njemu rekla da joj je neko poslao cvijece on njoj poslao sliku tog istog cvijeca kad ga je kupovao. Eto kud ces sladje, a nije do cijene uopste nego do truda. Drugi put oni negdje sjeli i nije bilo kafe jer aparat nije radio. Rekao on odoh samo nesto na 15min vratit cu se brzo. Otisao do pumpe i na pumpi kupio ledenu kafu i donio joj u kafic. Na tu njenu pricu o njemu ja zimula. Znas kad u sekundi stanes i zazalis svoje odluke u zadnjih par mjeseci? Eh tako sam i ja. I onda se trznu samo u svojim mislima i reko ne, ipak si imala i lijeoih sjecanja sa njim, iako manje nego onih ruznih ali ipak ih je bilo, ne bacaj ih u vodu. Ali sad dok voo pisem ta misao da je ovo sve bilo jedna velika greska mi se vraca. Ne zbog ovog momka koji se toliko trudi oko cura nego jer je ovo najkraca i najgora veza u kojoj sam bila. Kod sam stajala s drugaricom pitah je za seks i sve to jer vidis cure nisu ko momci, mi normala oricamo o svemu od najbizarnijeg ko je sta kupio i ko se s kim svadjao do najlicnijih iskustava. Momci obicno pricaju o glupostima i ko je s kim spavao al na onaj veoma hladni "e jest bila dobra i ovu sam povalio" nacin. Odgovara ona meni "ja sam sretna jer je moj imao cure prije mene a nije ni sjednom spavao. Nije nikad ni spominjao seks jer sam mu ja rekla da ne zelim. A nismo vala nista drugo ni radili da kazes da je negdje vodilo. I da sad kazem necu za 10god ne bi mu bilo bitno jer nama to uooste nije vazno." I slusam nju i znam joj momka i znam kakvi su. Znam da ima normalnih momaka. Necu da gubim nadu. Ne smijem. Ne smijem sebe da sputavam da volim. Makar opet najebala. A volim puno i volim ludo i volim divlje i slusajuci druge vidim da niko ne voli kao ja. Niko mu ne bi dao drugu sansu, svi kazu potrosna roba. I jeste ali eto ja dala i zajebala se al nije bitno. Stvarno iz svake veze..ili u zadnjem slucaju bog zna cega jer nez ni kako to nazvati, nesto naucim. Ispade da iz svake ucim lekciju da ne dajem sanse al jbg ja vec znam da cu i sljedecem dati. Rece mi drugarica puno puta da mu ne oprostim, da cak bjezim od njega, rekla je da se sjeca neceg sto je on rekao sto joj je prije bilo nevazno a sada veoma zabrinjavajuce. Rekao je kao...ona mozda da me povrijedi kako to samo ona zna ali ja je nikada necu ostaviti. To je njoj sada bilo toliko strasno da mi je rekla da sam budala ako mu oprostim. Pitam se sta ce moja najbolja drugarica reci na sve ovo. Nmg da sutim. Tisina je najgora kazna koju nekome mozes dati. Zato je ne koristim. Mogla bih al necu. Mozda nekad ovo vidi, kao sto je i hamdija prije njega, mozda mu ne bude pravo, mozda ga ne bude briga, ne znam. Ali zbog sebe a mozda i njega ovo pisem. Da ne bude tisina. ...kontradiktorna sam zar ne? Ne znam. Nista ne znam. Znam da mislim po citav dan o njemu, i kad nesto drugo radim on se negdje uvuce u moje misli i ne da mi mira. Kako je nekad se zapitam pa se opomenem jer nije moja briga. Ima drugih lahkih cura da brinu o tome...kada bi lahke bilo briga. Eh i pita mene drugarica kakve su mu bile bivse. Rekoh pa lahke kao sto si i predpostavila. Mozda su bile zgodnije od mene al brate 5kila sminke, obrve ko kremom za cipele da su mazane, na ocima ugalj a puder se topi ko puter na licu. I opet ruzne. Obucene bezveze, ova duga veza hajd onako cura, moze proci, ti znas da se mrzim hvaliti ali jbg ljepsa sam. Sad ona mene onako kriticki gleda i kaze pa sta ocekujes nije ni on nista bolji. I onda ja stanem i mislim o necemu sto mi je neko nekad rekao, neka drugarica il ne znam ko: "Ti ne privlacis idiote. Ti si lijepa i fina cura, ti privlacis bas svakoga. Samo ti biras idiote." I toga se cesto sjetim kad me drugarice napadaju sto sam sa ovih zadnjim bila. Izbjegavam imena zbog privatnosti ljudi. Bitno je da ja znam. I sad sjedim i ponovo razmisljam sta me je privuklo ali onda se sjetim starih postova o njemu kad mi je bio sve. Evo ga..znala sam...suze ahh its fiiiine. Stegne te u grlu nesto. Ugl zaista ima on nekih kvaliteta. To sam i drugarici rekla. Rekoh napravi nekad nesto od papira i to mi je slatko. Na sta ona vise iznervirana sto ja ista dobro u njemu vidim rece: "jesil ti normala?!?! Prisiljavao te na svasta, povodljiv je, bio ti je totalni creep i stalker a tebi nesto znaci jebeni komadic papira!!!" I tu se i ja sjebah i zapitah koji sam kurac radila ova 4 mjeseca. Ostajala sam nijim radi par slatkih momenata vjerujuci da ce oni trajati duze on par sati? Nedugo nakon nase price smo se razisle oko 11 i ja se odmah uhvatih za glavu, zbunjena i sama kako se nakon prvog mjeseca i prve greske ovo razvuklo na skoro pola godine a nismo ni biki zajedno. Rekoh ja njoj na ovo sve njoj...mislila sam da i on zasluzuje drugu sansu nakon ajdina, i ubice izadju iz zatvora. Na sta ona rece...pa kakav je ne bi me cudilo da to i postane. Sve ovo sada odjekuje u mojoj glavi, i da ja njemu vjerujem da je on on ma kakav bio i da se ne oretvara mene ove rijeci ne bi doticale ni najmanje jer on zna kad ja vjerujem da vjerujem slijepo i kad vidim sve dokaze koji upucuju na njega ja njemu vjerujem uprkos svemu. Ali toga vise nema. I boli me glava danima, ne zalim se nikome, ne pravim zrtvu od sebe. Moj mozak jeste otrovan od strane njega...zenskarosa bez duse...manipulatora. ali moja je krivica sto sam dopustila sebi da mi je toliko stalo do njega da na mene uticu te rijeci i djela. I ko zna kad cu stupiti u novu vezu. Necu zuriti ni ako prebolim brzo. Imam mnogo bitnijih stvari od zalijetanja u veze. Pravi ce doci. Uci ce u zbornicu gdje cu ja sjediti. Upoznat cemo se. Vjerujem u to. Mislim da cu biti zrela za veze u septembru. Mozda malko prije, da mi raspust bude ponovo pun dejtova i ....evo me. Vraca se ona ja. Ona sto vrti momke oko prsta ahh. Jbg. Eto jebi ga. Nisam je htjela nazad. Bila sam spremna da ova veza potraje. Fkt jesam. I trebalo mi je dana i dana da sebe izranjavam na svaki moguci nacin da shvatim da mi je stalo i da ga volim. Ja toliko nisam htjela da ga zavlacim da sam raskinula i patila sebe danima dok nisam shvatila da mi ne nedostaje da se samo igram sa njim nego da ga volim. I onda ucrtah EZ na ruci. I sad sam s tim ostala da mi pravi drustvo. So why does it feel lonely? Ali opet daje i to neku srecu. I sad sjedim i pitam se zasto? Zasto mi daje neku srecu, zasto mi govori da ne zalim za vremenom provedenim sa njim ma kakvo bilo, zastooo? Ne smijem se nervirati. Opet cu sjebati stitnu. Al jbg nesto me boli. Sutra kontala ici nani ali necu opet nisam kupila iskaznicu. So home it is. Moram cistiti sobu opet.  Cim letam tamo vamo to make sure everyone is okay i forget to take care if myself. E jest mi sisa legla hocel mi iko vjerovati? I ledena kafa ko da je iz raja izasla. Jos je laganu napravio, nije me glava zabolila. Jos mi se pusi,bff mi zauzeta al mozda sama odem sutra ko zna. Mada sumnjam da ce mi ciscenje dati priliku al ne zuri mi se ni da cistim. Hocu da odmorim. Za 2 sedmice su mi ispiti. To mi daje nade da cu se nakaniti da ucim i zaboraviti na njega. I pitam se onako sama, jer rekoh da smo stranci i odjekuje mi u mislima recenica s bloga od bivseg....kao stranci jer smo na zalost to i postali. Ja i taj bivsi jesmo postali stranci. Oboje smo se puno promjenili od tada, kao sto bi i svi sa godinama. Cujem od drugarice da ga je skoro vidjela sa curom. I ne znam mu curu ali mislim da je dobra za njega i da ga je smirila...nadam se jer mu cigare nisu fazon. Valjda je i on umocio do sada hahaha ipak su u vezi skoro 2god. Cudan komentar od mene zar ne? Ma hajde nakon par god mi seks nije nista Cudno. Al ovo nakon mjesec 2 mi je sve neka zudnja, ovisnost i kurvanje. I za muske i za zenske. Lahki ljudi. Za toliko ne mozes ni zavoliti. Mislim da je vrijeme da okupim sve drugarice i girls night. Jer sam pod stresom msm sto ja sugarcoat ovo, tuzna sam eto sta je. Mentalno samu sebe iscrpljujem nekim pitanjima na koja odgovori nisu lahki niti ih mozda ima. Nisam sigurna da li da pokusavam da ih nadjem ili da ih vrag nosi. Za mene je trenutno bolje drugo al znam da ce me ta pitanja odrastanja stici kad tad. Ta kome sta oprostiti kako ne razmisljati da u restoranu najmanje 50% ljudi je spavalo s nekim mozda cak i sinoc, i to da smo svi goli ispod odjece i kako ko izgleda ko se mozda nije obrijao, kome su koje boje dlake itd. Znam. Smijem se i ja svojoj ludosti. Ali fazon je sto smo mi toliko napredovali kao zivotinje..jer jesmo zivotinje, da zaboravljamo da je okej biti zivotinja ispod maske tj odjece. Ova pitanja kad bi meni drugi pricali ja bih rekla bjezi ba glupostima se zamaras poludit ces. Ali kad sam ja u pitanju imam drugaciji pristup i volim se testirati. Moje interesovanje o covjeku i psihi nikada ne prestaje. Samo mala zeri u velikom svijetu pokusava da razumije svakoga a ne razumije ni sebe. Ugl nez gdje sam pocela ni gdje stala, zbog ovoga nikada necu imati normalan blog nego neke svrljotine za sebe. Kaze pisi kolumne. I nekada fakat napisem poneku, gdje ko fole obracam paznju na pravopis, i gdje se drzim teme ali meni misli idu brze nego sto mogu da ih poredam. U pm ah da. To postali smo stranci...pitam se kako cu ako zadnjeg momka ikada sretnem a iz nekog nedokucivog razloga se nadam da  hocu, kako cu reagovati i kako ce on ako ikako? Hocel mi potrcati u zagrljaj kao prije? Hocel skakati od srece? Hocel me gledati onim zelenim ocima samo u prolazu ili ce pak oci da mu zasuze i da prodje bez rijeci? Hoce li mu srce ubrzati? Hocel od radosti? Hocel od tuge? Hoce li me uopste primjetiti u hrpi prolaznika? Hoce li me uopste pogledom traziti? Hocel mi zaplakati na ramenu kao sto ja placem dok pisem ovo? Hoce li me namjerno u prolazu ljutito udariti ramenom? Hocel me izbjegavati? Sta cu ja? Vidis jebem samu sebe..ne patim samo druge, patim i sebe. Pitam pitanja na koja nema odgovora. Ali me vise brine sta cu ja. Hocu li danima prolaziti ulicama oko njegovog posla u nadi da ga vidim? Hocu li biti picka kao i obicno pa ga odblokirati i pitati kako je? I ako bih to uradila bil radila radi njega, stvarnog interesa kako je ili sebe jer je srce govno i samo sere. Zna li iko kako je otvoriti svoje srce? Dissekciju napraviti i proliti ove rijeci kao krv na papir? Znam da kucam, to nije poenta. I sta ako oboje odlucimo da se ignorisemo..hocel nas boliti ili cemo oboje vec biti u sretnim vezama...to za njega znaci s lahkom curom u krevetu, a za mene s potencijalnim muzem. Ili cemo oboje cekati da se neko cudo desi i da se promijenimo pa da budemo ponovo zajedno?...aahh ne. Msm da je i taj brod davno otplovio. Ali sta ako jedno podje zagrliti drugog a taj se odmakne? Koga ce vise zaboliti? Ovoga ko je odbijen ili ovoga ko je odbio? To je jako tesko pitanje. Uzasno. Jer znajuci sebe ja i ako odbijem njega ja bih bila u uzasnom bolu. Cak bi mi bilo bolje da on odbije mene. Da me posalje u pm i kaze nasao sam bolju. To bi me ucinilo sretnijom nego da kaze ja jos uvijek cekam tim jednim zagrljajem. Ah zasto ubija samo neznanje buducnosti? Jesam li se toliko navikla da znam sve? Kad mi mozak truju neke rijeci kao i finished on her stomack..or just the tip..or we loved it...ja vise ni buducnost ne vidim. Nikad nisam davala znacaja tome sto osjetim sta ce se desiti. Tome sto mogu da poslozim kockice. To sto mogu da kazem aha ako uradim ovo vodit ce do ovoga a ovo do ovoga. A ovo se mkze ispraviti a ovo ne. A ovo treba a ovo ne. Sada ne znam moze li se sta ispraviti al osjecam da ne treba al to me jede. I opet kazem, sve cu ja ovo izmozgat dok mi mozak ne pregori, dok ne nadjem drugog mozda, to bi znacilo moram odmah da trazim ali fkt necu. I meni se zuri da bol prodje i misli odu. Ali znam da sljedeci momak znaci sljedeci posao Popravljanja a ja za to nisam spremna. Moram prvo ja biti dobro da nekom pomognem...al isto tako ja bih bila bolje da nekog nadjem. Ali nije to sustina. Za srecu si odgovoran ti. Toliko sam naucila. Samo da je preci preko ovih slika. Samo to. Samo pobjeci od ove nocne more kojoj dajem previse znacaja i koja me trenutno jebe do bola aliiiii ne smijem pustiti da me jebanje jebe eto bukvalno. Ako dopustim da me ovo sranje unisti...onda i zasluzujem da budem jadna. Nema niceg goreg od slabosti uma. Sama ova recenica me tjera da jos 2000 puta procitam poruku koja mi se i nakon samo jednog citanja urezala u mozak i ima da zamislim tako dobar seks da i ja uzivam u njemu. Jer bolan ako me ova glupa informacija ostavi nesposobnom da i ocemu drugom razmisljam kao sada onda sam ja jebeni slabic. Picka nevidjena. Niko ne razumije kroz kakav ja pakao prolazim. I neka. Ne moze ovo svako ni podnijeti. Vremenom ce i ovo biti jedna od stvari koje me ne doticu nit me interesuju. A do tada ako ne budem uzivala u njihovom seksu onda nez ko ce. I tako okrenut cu nesto grozno u nesto dobro samo mi treba vremena. Prvo treba da me dobro pojede. Kad se to desi, kad padnem na dno dna, onda cu se ponovo graditi i onda cu krenuti na dejtove. Vidis zato sam ja kontala da je dobro za njega da ga sjebem i da ide u bolnicu. Nema odlucnijeg covjeka nego onog sto hoce sa dna da se popne na vrh. Cesto sebi ovo radim a i drugima. Treba to ponekad. Treba da skontas da nista ne ide kako treba i pocnes ponovo. Zato ona veza nije nikud isla. Niko nije raskid shvatao ozbiljno, niko se nije ozbiljno trudio, mjeseci su se brojali od pocetka kao da veza nije imala 10 raskida. Moras krenuti iznova nekad. Moras sve ostaviti u proslosti i prestat brisat nebitne opise na ig nego reci hajmo napraviti buducnost bolju. Tako mi je muka sto je uvijek ko cura po pola sata birao gdje ce i sta ce jesti i sto se ko cura vracao u proslost. Za cudo bozije neko je bio veca cura u vezi od mene. Vise bi onaporan vise plakao vise bio osjecajan vise kontroliso i provjeravao...msm sve je ovo bilo lazno al eto. Ma nije mi vecina ni smetala. Samo neke stvari npr cinjenica da su se uvijek radile iste greske i vracalo s ena iste stvari koje bih zapravo ja trebala da spominjem jer sam ja povrijedjivana bila pa eto ne kontam. Ne bitno. Nek se sada oravi dobar i sladak nekom drugom. Ne mislim izgkedom, a i tim, nego rijecima i laznim djelima. Daa i djela mogu biti lazna kad nisu ono sto se osjeca. Opet...nebitno. msm sve je bitno al nista nije eto ono sta reci. Puno pisem. Previse. Ne zasluzuje toliko mog vremena ni mojih osjecanja. Aliii ja pisem za sebe. Da skinem tereta malo s duse. Da ove razletjele misli stavim u makar neki red i da vidim kako zaista razmisljam i da vidim obje strane price. Ehh kad bih znala da me je makar nekad stvarno volio. Da one suze nisu radi paznje i sazaljenja i zadrzavanja mene. Da ih je fkt osjetio. Mozda ce mi neko reci ti si kuda ako mislis da je to lazno palakanje. Ali znam ja njega previse dobro da kazem da je sve onako kako izgleda. Da su one poruke na papirima iz srca a ne kurca. Da ne ocekuje nista. Ni mene. Da su prsten i lancic bili nista vise nego poklon od srca a ne neki mito za odlazak u krevet. Voljela bih da je dobar covjek. Ko sam ja da sudim hocel u raj ili pakao ali sebicnost i pohlepa i laganje i manipulisanje i mito...ne mogu voditi nicem dobrom. Mozda to nije ni primjetio ali sumnjam ali volio je koristiti ljude na neki "bezazlen" nacin. Nacin koji nema posljedica i koji bi normalna osoba lahko propustila ali ne ja. Istina je da njegovi drugovi a i dz nisu jedini njega koristili nego je i on njih iako to nije nikad priznao. Vidjela sam ja to davno al reko hajde karma sve se i njima i njemu vratilo. Nije mi prijalo sto je mene znao koristiti ali pustala sam to. Kontam hajd vidjet ce moj ponos i postenje pa ce se promjeniti...opet sam pogrijesila on nista od mene nije naucio. Ama bas nista. A znam da je primjetio moj ponos i sto odbijam svasta. Ali ga nije bilo briga da on to ikad primijeni. Al rekla sam sebi sta je bilo bilo je, nece bit Smak svijeta bez para. Zaradit ce se sve, vjerujem u sebe dovoljno a i u boga da cu uspjeti u zivotu. Klasicna odlika strijeca. Puno daje a puno i dobije za uzvrat. Danas mi je drugarica donijela kesu punu sminke iz njemacke. Jedan pogled na sminku i vidjela sam da je jeftina jer ne znam marku a pod rukom se vidi slab kvalitet. Ali ja sam i dalje sretna i zadovoljna ko da je 3000km kostala. Gest je ono sto je bitno a i znam da cu nositi makar 4 stvari koje je donijela. Jednu olovku za usne cu dati mami jer ne nosim svijetlo rozi karmin a i onako imam tonu olovaka. Sljedeci put kad budem negdje isla moram i ja njoj nesto kupiti al nez sta. Sminku? Prvo ne vjerujem da cu igdje za prvi maj tako da ce to biti uzasno dosadno. Niti imam s kim niti gdje. Mozda like good old times odem s mamom i tetkom na vrelo bosne. Odoh, ceka me nedjelja ciscenja i ubijanja od dosade...i vjerovatno razmisljanja uff.

06.04.2019.

.

So i sit alone and cry and what else would i do? My mind is poisoned and my heart is betrayed. Everything i tried to push away came at me all at once. I tried to forget but im cursed with remembering every damn detail. I cant talk to anybody. Everybody would tell me is a good decision, finally ure being smart. But i dont want to hear its a good decision cuz i know that already. I just want somebody to listen and say nothing. So again i come here. And if everything was fine between us id never have every word or that message in my head. Perhaps words hurt less than oictures they create. I never thought id have problem with this...so why do i? With my ex i never had it. So what changed? ...guess its cuz hes worse than my ex. Ex was in long relationships and he wasnt in them just for fun. He didnt bring girls to his house so i never had problem of him sleeping in the same bed. He changed the bed anyways even if he was. And idk why damn bed matters cuz that can go but memories stay. Never thought id have problem with memories. But it just proves...people can throw away all physical memories they have...but u cant clear ur mind like that. U dont have option to right click, delete and send it to the bin and then empty it. Its always there. That is the poison in my mind. Now for things that are legit reasons and not just something i could beat myself to try and forget are things i experienced. Things before me...even tho i judge them, hate them deeply, even tho they hurt me deeply...i have no right to base my decisions on...even tho i should rly cuz people dont change. But things done to me are things ill never get over. They are the reason of my pain. And when he tries to comfort ur crying with a hug but hug feels so fake and unsafe...u have nothing to look for in those arms anymore. Whatever source of safety and fun they used to be is gone. Now theyre greedy. Now they want things they never deserved. They want me. Always wanted more from me. Were never happy with what they got. Thats why im not buying stories she asked for it. And now im having problems with myself. Feminist in me is saying ok its normal females want fun too...but me, plain old me says what a damn whore. Even tho i shoukd its everybodys choice. And that too is reason i could never go back. I dont want to hate exs just because for me personally theyre pretty low humans. Oh he isnt excused here. Hes the worst of them all. Typical guy just wanting short fun. But seeing im so different and better why want same things with me when i gave much more? U can step in front of a human and ask for 10km. But u cant step in front of a god and ask for so little when u know he has the power to grant your hearts deepest wishes. And then him giving u much more than u asked...you still ask for those 10km. It shows how little humans appreciate everything no matter how many times they say they do. Im doing very unjuct comparison of myself to god, one i shouldnt, but i am in no way your awerage human. Conceited perhaps, lion never has to brag hes a lion, you know it when u see him. So why still ask him to be a gazelle? Such earthly pleasures never interested me. Ofc a little fun never hurt no one but never push a lion to be a gazelle cuz he can run faster than gazelle, he can look more graceful, he can be much stronger so dont try to get him to stoop so low. And that pushing, that feeling of giving everything u have and it still not being enough....thats the true reason im leaving. Right person woukd be happy with little things. Right person would be happy with a piece of paper saying "I love you." It is true. I am a right person. But hes not. Real guy for me would never push me so much, especially not after all bs he out me through. But yet another time i leave my ex being the bigger person, being there for him through thick and thin. My poisoned mind would heal with time. But time passed and he never changed. I always had same problems to the point where he pushed 15yr old who was playful and would try to please him to 5yr old who doesnt want to hear anything nasty not even a joke. Ne zelim da cujem izvinjenja. Ne zelim da cujem volim te. Ne zelim nista. Samo mir i tisinu. Od ponedjeljka okrecem novi list ili bolje reci novo poglavlje ili novu knjigu. Dosta mi je plakanja. Pocinjem novi zivot u svijetu gdje on nije moje ocekivanje i moja nada nego gdje je samo jos jedna uspomena. Gdje je ta jebena carsija i stanica i saraj samo jos jedno prokleto mjesto koje cu izbjegavati dok ga ne prebolim. S obzirom da mi sa svakim novim momkom treba manje ocekujem da cu ga preboljeti za sedmicu. Tako sam i richarda. ...tj mozda ne da prebolim...mozda da odustanem od nekog nadanja...da ce mi se bol vratiti? Neko prokletstvo je u meni sto uvijek ocekujem i kad dovro znam da mi se odluka nece promjeniti, da me oni jos zele. Valjda ona doza sebicnosti koju nisam imala tokom veze. Ali istina je nebitno zeli li me neko ili ne. Bitno je sta hoce od mene. A nmg vala nista ni dati sve su uzeli i onako. Watching cardi b story on ig, pic of 69. See i cant do that shit. I mean i dont want to its looks stupid and gross. We rly did become more like animals over time no matter hiw much we mentally advance. Only damn dogs lick each other and they actually do it cuz of real reasons like smell and chemicals draw then in....we dont have those problems...its just  our minds rly. I graduated all these things when i was 5...but still dont think thats why its nit interesting to me i just feel its gross. And im a person that does gross things so ye. Anyways mondays is a fresh start and one steo closer to getting over him. Part of me doesnt want to but he rly didnt deserve i suffer anynore, i suffered enough from thigs he caused and his health. I feel bad i met his parents, i knew i couldnt be with him but i was forced into it. And i acted as his friend...i mean i wouldn't act any more physical  if i was his gf but i feel like id be much mire relaxed knowing im not sitting in front of people who think im their sons gf and im not. Thats again not my problem he didnt tell them. And going in was a mistake...their oarents if course didnt know that and i dont blame them. Theyre treated ne personally well and did nothing so terrible to change my decision for better or worse. Theyre not to blame for anything. Thehre generally good parents. They love their kid. I know that much. But according to my standards they cant compare to my parents or other parents i think r good. I would never raise my kid so he takes pride in stupid trivial things. Id never raise my kid to fuck underage. Yes his choices indeed but parents can influence them. I never saw his dad as good influence. I knew it before he even knew...well im 100% sure he knew he dad is a cheater but he swore he wasnt...thats why i cant even trust him. He doesnt cheat maybe....but he for sure is greedy which is what cheating is based on. Always wanting more than u have. And funny cuz he said hed like to change that....MJ said u gotta start with the man in the mirror. U cant expect world not to eat animals while u eat them. U cant expect world not to lie when u lie. U cant expect a world not to be greedy when youre greedy. With money too. Lying to oarents for extra cash...we all did it..but when u do it all the time its just greed. When u ask for 1 pic, get even more than u asked for and then say shiw more...just waht a shitty human u r. U can have me but ull always want more from me or more girls like ur daddy. And i know why i said ur parents relationship is fake. Sure plently of love...but not enough. I know im always right u can fight me forever but its true. Ah see problems. Started writing like im talkig to him...yeah still somehow miss the bastard. So ill go. Im going out. Writing new, better memories. And i dont plan to look back when monday passes. Whatever hapoens after monday is irrelevant. I hope i dont fail...hed believe in me...sometimes..not about this but hey ill pretend i have his support. Gotta fucking stop crying before going out.

05.04.2019.

Tišina...pojede a oslobodi.

Old updates:
19.01.2019.
Sjedim preko puta momka kojeg volim i gledam kroz prozor picerije. Zena izlazi iz stambene zgrade u blizini. Ispuhuje oblak dima od cigarete. Stres. Svi ga osjetimo. Jedina razlika medju nama.je nacin na koji se borimo protiv stresa. Ili bolje reci pustamo njemu da kontrolise nama u obliku cigarete, hrane, seksa,placa ili pak nekog udaranja sakom od zid. Bijeg u obliku telefon ili pak predaja stresu u suzama. Glavobolja. Strah. Bol u srcu.
03.03.2019. all bad things start and end on same days.
You hold me gently like i am a feather, But i hurt you till your skin becomes the leather. But well die forever, Were toxic together, And its not what i want, Its not what i crave, But things dont always work the right way.
24.03.2019.
"Danas su veze samo da bi imao s kim izlaziti." Rece jedan lijep visok momak koji je najvjerovatnije bio drug ili mozda brat lijepom nevinascetu od cure s kojom je hodao. Nacuh samo to dok su prolazili. Srednja skola. On je izglaledao stariji od nje. Ona je izgledala da se druzi sa njim samo jer joj se svidja a on je izgledao kao igrac. Ali ima tu neke istine u tome sto je rekao. Zaista dosta veza postoji samo iz dosade ili pak dosadnog drustva. Ali ne one gdje ima ljubavi. Al sta bi on o tim znao? Ipak je igrac. Izdribla par cura i tjt. Meni je sve to vec zamorno i dosadno. Istina je, uzivala sam vrtiti momke oko prsta i izlaziti sa njima. Ali i to mi je dosadilo, sad bih neki mirniji zivot. Iskreno samo bih spavala. To mozda samo govorim jer mi se spava. U autobusu zenanse zali na gras i karte i kaze nasi prihodi nisu toliki da imamo karte. Nikad nisam trazila, u svojim danima vjerovanja u religije i neceg proucenog navecer, od Boga pare ili bilo sta osim zdravlja za svoje najblize. Sada, posto vidim da molbe za zdrablje i nosu bas uspjele, mogla bih se pocet moliti za pare hahaha. Jednostavno se nadam da cu zaradjivati dovoljno da porodocu od 10. Ogromna je to suma novca. But i feel anything is possible. If i make all the right moves my life might be great. But 1 wrong move and im broke. And decision lies on me and nobody else. And thats some scary shit. Dolazim nani nakon jos jedne uzasne voznje gradskim orevozom. Usli cigani na onoj vrucini i hajd da smrde na znoj ali oni smrde kao ...nezns kojim jadom da predim...smetljiste i kanalizacija. A ja koja ne podnosim nikakav smrad morala sam prestati pisati i pokusati da ne pivratim dusu iz sebe. Glava me ubija. I onda dodjem kod nane, od radija se trese kuca a meni ko da neko sjekirom rascijepljuje glavu. Samo legoh u sobu, s neopisivom zeljom da slupam taj radio gdje se muzicke zelje uveliko narucuju. Lezim, bez volje da pricam sa njom ili joj pomognem. Mislim da je ovo ona tacka moga pucanja gdje stres i ove neke gluposti napokon izvuku zivot iz mene i trebam da napunim baterije. Ne mogu soavati od buke a i od nekog stida sto nista ne pomazem prvo jer nema sta da se radi a i jer me boli glava. Bez neke zelje za promjenom lezat cu ovako sve dok mogu.
28.03.2019.
I sit down. So many time i dont get to write my thoughts. And maybe one day id like to remember them. Sjedim na Kosevu. Krug bolnice na klupi. Mnogi ljudi prolaze. Svi nekako normalni svi nekako okej. Vracaju se iz posjeta bliznjima koji leze u bolnici. Jesu li zaista toliko veseli i bezbrizni kao sto se cine ili je to pak neka maska? Sjecam se sebe kad sam mnogo puta ledjima bila okrenuta bolnici i ljudima koje volim. Odlazis a ne znas jel to zadnji out da si tamo, u posjeti bas toj osobi. Kako onda mozes odlaziti bezbrizno? Ja sam uvijek odlazila sa nekim praznim pogledom i laznim osmijehom jer nisam mogla priustiti da se neko brine i za mene. Mozda je to i greska jer sad svako od mene ocekuje da sam ja uvijek ta pribrana. Ali nekad mi nije do toga. Nekad mi je da sjednem na stepenice sama i blejim u prazno ili placem. Zavisi jel me emocije napuste ili sve najednom dodju. Hladno mi je. Vjetar mi prolazi kroz majicu dok mi sunce grije ledja. Srce zbunjeno, hladno prema jednoj osobi ali u boli jer sam opet tu ja, ledjima okrenute od osobe do koje mi je stalo. Noje ovo toliko strasan slucaj. Ali sama cinjenica da sam ja navikla da kad jednom odem vise nemam kome da se vratim i taj krevet kojeg sam vec vezala za tu osobu je zauzet s nekim drugim pacijentom. Nije mi svejedno i niko ne moze razumiti.
05.04.2019.
Citav dan u glavi mi se vrti boze meni tako malo treba ispod ovog svetog neba...(dalje necu nastaviti da se ponovo vratim razmisljanju o ljudima oko sebe i ko je koga jebao) od Toseta. Kad u tramvaju to nekome zvono na mobu....ko to jos ima za zvonooo. Hajd prije 10god ali sada sanse su 1 prema 100000. Cesto mi se ovo desava. Dovoljno cesto da me brine. I citavo jutro sam slusala od Dine Merlina znaaaam da samm kao pile u kandzama jastreba, ti dooolazis samo kad ti nesto zatreba i donooosis jutra puna lazi i uvreda. Eh familiar af. Odoh slusati te pjesme gledajuci ne u sebilj vec u stanicu. A kisa klizi niz prozor.. kao sinoc...kao moje suze niz lice... kao onu noc kada za zimu nisam znala drzeci njegove ruke po prvi put.....Doci ce i uzet ce sve uzevsi kost i meso......a potom mrak..mrak..mrak..mrak...mrak. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHSGlzSxJyE&list=RDkquGKS-qhn8&index=13

21.03.2019.

Some people are here just to get fixed and go

And dont get me wrong i believed in you, i believed in us. Thats why so many chances, so much help. But after school i realised u never changed like you said u did and u never will. It truly is who you are and you truly cant live without it. Everything i found out about you turned out to be true. Which i cant be mad about, i knew it from the start yet still somehow had hope youd change cuz u keot telling me that. But as i said, people dont change. And maybe Steve Harvey is right. Maybe a guy will change for true love of his life. Which will mean thats not me. And im perfectly fine with that. But i dont like hearing something but getting something else. So here it ends. Here everything ends. Im pretty sure i wrote this before too... little bit of evil for greater good. I dont like the way he learns things. Nece iz tudjih gresaka nego iz svojih a ni iz svojih ne nauci. Even if he relises things (which i doubt), he still doesnt act on them. I would lie if i said i dont already habe a new plan to push it to extremes. I dont want to do it. But i have to do it. If i dont see right reaction from him ill push further. Hell either stand up and fight it or be killed. I rly mean it tho 😅 My strongest power are my emotions. And i dont mean the lack of them. They used to eat me up too, to comsume me. And when love consumes you its amazing, best feeling ever...but it can also make you blind. When hatred consumes you it will for sure make you blind and make u steer away from your path. When sadness consumes you it eats you up from inside. Im nit saying crying is wrong. Im not saying being sad should be hidden. Im not saying people should be cold. Im saying crying is okay...if you can cntrol it. Crying is okay if it doesnt eat you alive. Crying is okay not only when youre sad but also when youre happy, stressed, excited...drunk. But crying is not okay  when its getting in the way of your normal life. Its not okay when you cry cuz u panic and hate going out with ur bf to valentines dinner. So whag u do is u cry yourself out, slap the living shit out of yourself and everything next to you, put your makeup on and go. You dont cry and panic so hard you throw up and go to hospital. I thought id give him good example by not being a pussy and going...but as i said some people just dont learn. Yes people die. Yes time passes. Yes you get over it...like i mention in some previous post. You fall but you get back up, clean yourself off and go knowing damn well you night fall again but you try not to. In a world like ours lack of emotions is normal..but not good. Also being emotional is not good. People use you. You have to put your foot down and not move it for anybody except person youre dancing with. I learned things the hard way too. I got burned many times, got up, kept going. If i didnt my stalkers wouldnt have anything to spy on. Emotions are great. But controling them when you notice them going wild is strongest mental and emotional power you can have. And yes ill admit i got tired or controling them so now i just shut down. But me seperating heart and mind from body is my own way of saving a kid in me. Yeah my body will react...yeah it will like it...but i wont react. ...maybe this is a bad example i wouldnt like it anyways ahhahaha. But lets take me being angry as example. When im angry i dont see you. I do see you...but you dont exist...not sure how to explain. And i only started shutting down like that recently. Before if somebody pisses me off i would cry or hurt them. I remember grabbing "friend" by his shirt and picking him up when he made a stupid joke which hurt me. We were in class. High school. Teacher saw it all. I got so pissed i cant kill him right there that i stormed out, slammed the door and went to bathroom to cry. I didnt cry cuz of insult. I cried cuz i couldnt punish him. So to avoid punishing people and ending up in jail i simply move and want to walk. You can try to stop me but maybe dont...cuz right then i dont see you. Youre not my target so dont try to become one. I learned the hard way to control my emotions. My last ex freed what was locked away in me for years after dad died. Now if im sad i cant hold back tears. And i hate it so much. I hate crying in public. But thats why i dont let myself start thinking about stuff that upsets me. Yeah its hard but it saves lives. But my ex also freed my loving part. Then..ah man then somebody killed it again. And now idk who or how will bring my emotions out again. Idk who will take care of me. Idk who will past so many walls that get built so much faster than they get destroyed. And perhaps real magic is in fact that i have to let these walls down on my own. Nobody can take them down unless im comfortable with it. And just when i get close to being comfortable i get this feeling like somebody punches me in the ribs saying hi i didnt change and fuck you. But this is why my emotions are locked away only for the right person. Some people could realy die and i wouldnt care more than if it was some random person i knew dying. Respect is earned, not given. But i usually dont go by this. I respect u from 10 first secs where i decide if youre good or bad human. Then u can lose that respect if u do something stupid and ignorant. Then its a long way to earn my respect and trust again...if ever. I will stand by what i say. I wont just be with him cuz hes cute and sick. Ive grown much stronger than that now. I learned that i dont have to be with people to fix them. But ya know sad part is I too would like to have somebody who will always be by my side. Im not saying as a friend. I have friends. Im saying id like a bf with whom i could spend time and have fun...but relationships need more and i dont like that. They need affection, attention, attraction, too much work man. Rly is. Im not always in mood...well im mostky never in mood for kissing or anything. And with that shit too. U give something they want more. So fucking annoying. Like legit pisses me off man. Will people ever stop being so damn greedy? Greed isnt just wanting more money. It can be anything and everything. More food, more makeup, more sex, more emotions, more this more that. Disgusting. And then they dare talk about morals. Which morals? Being greedy isnt having morals. See this is why im torn apart. But i believe ts cuz i didnt find the right one yet. Right one would never push your boundaries. They would respect it. And as soon as hes out of hospital, i might go out ince to have final talk and were done. Cuz this all...everything about him makes me sick. Hes right. Nobody likes the real him. Not cuz hes a crybaby. But because hes just not good enough. Idc how much this hurts him. He knows hes always pushed me much further than i wanted and then gets so fucking shocked like omg what did i do bla bla makes a scene throws up and then expects me to come back and take care of him like nothing happened. Its called manipulation. Ill probably delete all updates about him on this blog. They dont belong here. He brought out the worst in me. Id say i dont blame him but it rly is fully his fault. I was fully ready to give him second chance when i ran in front fo that cab. Cuz why would i if i didnt care? Why would i do so much? Why would i test him? But he rly did turn out to be a waste if time. And yeah heart is a bitch i still love him but i learned so much from my last relationship. No matyer how much u love them and show it and not matter how much they say they love you if they dont show it and respect you and put you first then youll have relationship like i had. I love chaos but relationship was all chaos from day 1. Idk what hes after. Money? Pussy? But i know pure love would never feel this way. I loved so many people without being with them. I had nothing to gain. Absolutely nothing. But i never disrespected them, i looked up to them like best role models ever. Im always willing to sacrifice myelf for love. I did it already. But he cant sacrifice one single thing. Oh but i did bla bla, everybody can give that up. But what more can u offer? Emotions u let wild are focused more on you than me. I dont rly feel u sending them my way i feel ur just stuck by urself in your love for something you cant have. Your emotions never tell you ok stop she doesnt want this. Your brain instead works like oh stoo shell get mad. Instead of saying but wait what abiut her not wanting it? What about her wanting to be respected more than some random girl i mistreated? Didnt she put up with enough bullshit? A boy will never be a man unless he can treat a woman right. I dont want a pussy. Yes im perfectly able to orotect myself but its guys role to be protector. And stupid males brain will see this as ok ill fight whoever looks at you but thats not it. Sometimes you have to protect people from yourself. Im really letting this all out so i remind myself if how much i deserve and how far i came with my expectation...actually expectations can fail. Standards cant. And yeah that oart abiut settig high standards....yeah set high standards in talking a lot and doing nothing. Im tired of weak men. Its rly not the crying part. Theres much more. Being weak for earthly pleasures such a sexual stuff. Being unable to control emotions so badly you drown in them...alone. see before i was much different. Id offer people my hand to pull them out and if they start dragging me down i let go. Now they cant even drag me down. Im so independent, so emotionally secure in my sanity that i will never let you pull harder than i can hold. But the questions is...do i want to hold on to somebody who always makes mistakes. Same ones too? Nah not rly. Thats why im single. Yeah i post on ig...but if u notice i almost never say my bf. I say my man. Could be a friend. Ya never know. Its been 20 days since we broke up. Took you only that much to fuck up again with the same thing u said u wont cuz it caused problems last 5 times we had an argument. It caused 5 break ups. And still you dont change. Truth is...weve been more single since we met than together. No really. And i think we coukd be friends. But see i dont want to keep helping people who i have no use from. I mean its great to help a stranger. But consantly thinking about past and what if what if not bs is something i dont want to deal with. I grew so much on my own and im proud of it. Took me some time to realise what healthy relationship is. And now that i know i dont want to settle for any less. Because truth is there plenty of guy who will treat their women right. Care for them and respoct them, be strong for them and bring fat checks. Yes, those guys still exist. I only always fall for these unstable boy who cry on their moms shoulder. Legit not the first not the last. Im so happy im able to sit back and look at relationships of my friends and see whats healthy and what not. For example whats not healthy is girl wearing pants instead of guy. I dont want to ask guy million times where r we going. I dont want to have ideas for dates while hes crying about some bs. I want to share opinions, talk, consult, compromise. Brings tears to my eyes that i dont have this but also its good cuz i learn all the time and grow. "Love" rly isnt enough without respect and everything already written. Lets leave it at that im crying anyways.

20.03.2019.

Another shitty day, Hellcome.

Cekala sam da dan prodje i da pozavrsavam sve da se zalim. Ali vec me je vecina stvari prosla. Sada me samo nervira sutrasnje tj danasnje ustajanje u 7. I want to have even lighter hair. But im scared because i love my eyebrows. And i should colour then lighter...but i dont want that. Idk what to do. So i was thinking again. Surprise. You could have everything in relationship. Love, closeness, honesty, attachment, attraction, fun, support...everything...but if you have no respect than throw that relationshiT into trash. If mental, emotional, physical huts echo louder than i love you's then you have nothing. If first block lasts a second for you both and now lasts days its trash. If one day without each other causes dozen i miss you's to be written and now a dozen days causes only a few i miss you's...its trash. It became trash log ago. After that first month. I really did die after that new year. I really did later too. But old him never died. Its silly to see it after all this time. He was hiding but of course tease a bit and hes there. Now, i am a teaser. I am a mean girl. But i am a kid. And honestly this is much bigger than it sounds like. Everybody loves that im goofy but nobody thinks of perserving it. Mom said something long ago and i never trusted her but now im starting to ask myself what if shes right? She said ure not looking for a bf. Youre looking for dad. And either way she is kind of right. Im lookig for somebody like my dad. Who will treat me...both like my dad treated my mom and me. It isnt easy ill admit. But i have to stay a kid at all costs. Idc if somebody cant keep up with me. I really have more important things to do than be just another badoo thot. See difference between me and everybody else is that when i say i killed the old me i really mean it. Or in most cases people kill the old me. My decision to only play boys and not be in serious relationship until im 30 is legit. Somebody please stop me if i do otherwise in my crazy moments. Also moral of the story, one that always happens to me is the more you give the more they will ask for. I doesnt matter how much you give. And when they get what they want they leave. Steave Harvey thaught me that. And life. Dont give people what they want. Never. Not even me. Not even yourself. Because people will hunt as long as theres a pray to catch. As soon as i relax, as soon as i start trusting, as soon as i want to help i get burned. Idc how others see it. Respect is so important. Another chance blah blah bullshit. I know exactly what i want in life. Idk how to get it...but i know ill get it. That is how my life happens. Some gut feeling...that never did me wrong. What i say it happens. Been like that for years. Not sure if a gift or a curse. When i meet the one ill know. I dont know yet. I did think i knew before. But man how others can kill me real fast. Yes i did crazy things, shockig. Bringing food at snacks to work, surprise visits...all before i died. Man i died. Nobody trusts me. I fought myself to stop being cold. I somehow did it after beating myself up, crying my heart out. But then i see people dont learn. And indeed theres no more chances. Theres no way. Id say my heart is cold..but its dead. This ladies and gents is a Sagittarius. Half horse half human. Half strong half vulnerable. Half instinct half intellect. But 100% wild. I feel some tears rolling down my cheek. But only because of that december when i thought i found somebody worth my time. I truly did. And i hate, absolutely hate being wrong. So i move on, on my quest to stay forever young in my soul and mind. Goodnight.

18.03.2019.

Pain in the ass

Mrzim faks. Msm da se po ovom mom blogu kojeg imam otprilike od pocetka faksa vidi kako postepeno pocinjem da mrzim sve zivo a posebno faks. Ne smeta mi ucenje. Ali ovo sprenje da sjedim u skoli i ides i tamo vamo me nervira. Ostalo... eh onako sve tacno i sve pogresno u isto vrijeme. Cuz we are aliiivee here in death valley...podsjeti me nakon sto sam ponovo cula ime drugog bloga. "Just when it cant get worse Ive had a shit day, youve had a shit day, weve had a shit day." that would sum up today. Were being productive tho but not appreciated enough jbg. I sat here to complain. Nothing juicy today. Msm nez imal ikad ista juicy except this......shit i cant save it. I cleaned today and then i get home and it seems house becomes fucking dusty mess in 2 days idk what happened. But im too tired to clean. too irritaded, no hot water cuz my mom is lazy af to call the guy to fix gas, i mean bitch is pissed today. I look crazy. first day i show up at school i look crazy. Jebo zivot. I was in basement and cant even fucking wash my hair. ....ma ima da je operem makar umrla. I have so much to write about but im so stressed.

15.03.2019.

....I am sad.

I am sad. No Im fine. Nothing good comes easy. If its easy then I dont want it. And among my lies "Im fine" is my favourite. And theres always what if factor. Because things change. But ....what if...they dont? Idk how or if i can be proud that hes finally giving up more and more. Not sure if he cares less or if hes genuinely learning...or hes just forced by me. And idk which is worse honestly. But whatever happens between us. Hes learning. Maybe not what im trying to teach but hes realising something for sure. Damn allergies. Neighbor is watching anime. Its disturbing my thoughts. Im seeing "how are you feeling?" On my screen. Without wish ti express myself anywhere but here...Im fine. Its the kind of pain of not knowing if feeling will change but willingness to take the gamble a s i always do with people, hoping for the best possibke outcome. "Are you really?" Yes, I feel great. *proceeds to cry* ahahahahaha. Ahh its not hiding my feelings cuz idk im scared of something. Im hiding my pain so he could move on....and then come back? Idk man idk anymore. Like i dont want him to move on but i do? Id be in great fucking pain but...im just pure evil. Id say devils descend but i rly am the devil. Im seriously wondering if neighbor is watching anime or hentai at this point haha. "Ne bih da ti kvarim srecu" u pm ti si moja sreca uff zivote. Keep telling myself dont cry little bitch but shit gets out of hand sometimes. I think no matter what i tell him...deep down he knows how i feel. Whats for breakfast? Tears and bitterness. But its needed.


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